 |
Fathers Matter
In matters of child custody, dads too often get a raw deal.
By Jayne Keedle
http://www.hartfordadvocate.com/artides/fathersmatter.html
If Elian Gonzalez
had been taken from Cuba, not by his mother, but by his father, he would have been
returned
to Cuba
within days of getting a clean
bill of health
from the hospital,
no questions
asked.
It's a point of irony in fatherhood
support groups
across
Connecticut
as they draw parallels
between
their
own situations
and that of Elian's
father. They, too, have found themselves
facing unfounded
allegations
of abuse and questions
about whether they are capable
of raising
a young child. And they have had to
battle agencies, relatives and longstanding medical and legal viewpoints that assume, at least in
questions
of child welfare,
that mother knows best. The U.S. government
may have sided
with the father
in Elian's
case,
but in many of theirs, government
agencies
have sided
with the mother.
This gender bias is not just the men's perception.
"I think they're right," says Patricia
Wilson-Coker,
acting commissioner
of the Connecticut
Department
of
Social Services. "Systematic constraints have inadvertently been built up to separate fathers from
children. There's a lack of advocates in the court, a lack of connection between child support and
visitation.
Frankly,
that a father should be thought of as no more than a paycheck
is what we're working
against."
Mark Roseman
knows that feeling firsthand.
A Hamden
father of three, he has not seen his children in
three years, although they live in the same town and he pays child support. "I feel,
like the walking
wounded.
The kids have been turned against me," says Roseman,
who separated
from their mother in
1997. "My former wife has revised
history, thrown out any old photographs,
quit the synagogue
we used
to go to, quit old mutual friends. Not having used the legal system before, I expected
the process
would
be much smoother
and reassuring
for all parties."
Instead,
Roseman
says the court's
adversarial
system pits one side against
the other and the kids pay the
price. Roseman
says he had to file motion after motion for therapy, for visitation, and has shelled out
$40,000 so far in legal costs. He's paying for a guardian
ad litem, appointed
by the court to represent
minor children, who he says doesn't return his phone calls. Meanwhile
every month that goes by is
another month away from his children, now 7, 12 and 16. To add insult to injury, family services
counselors
are beginning
to suggest
that it would be too traumatic
to reunite Roseman
with his children
after so long. It's a Catch-22
many fathers say is hauntingly
familiar.
Roseman has heard plenty of horror stories since founding the Connecticut
chapter of the national
Children's
Rights Council
last year, a forum and guide for non-custodial
parents. "We've
got problems
here, and one is the way people divorce," says Roseman.
"lt's
not enough to permit disgruntled
non-
custodial
parents
to walk away. Both parents
must be part of the children's
lives."
Indeed, a large body of research
overwhelmingly
suggests children do best when they have both a
mother and a father in their lives. Specifically,
children whose fathers are involved in raising them do
better in school,
are less likely to get into trouble with the law, and are more likely to be better parents
themselves.
Dr. Kyle Pruett, a clinical professor
of psychiatry
at the Yale Child Study Center and Medical
School,
writes of this in his new book Fatherneed.
Even in the first few months of life, he writes, an infant can
distinguish
between
a mother and a father's style of care. What's more, developmental
research
shows
that children
are born with a drive to connect
to their fathers
and their fathers, in turn, have an instinct
to
respond.
|
|
